Old Man Fiction
by Grace Katherine Fufu
Summary: Kyaah!  Everyone seems to be in love with Tanaka! What is he to do? And who will he choose! Pure crack, not to be taken seriously.


OLD MAN FICTION

"What has been lost will never return… now call my name."

Sebastian.

Tanaka sprung out of bed, sweating like a morbidly obese pig. Sebastian… How he loved Sebastian. Tanaka gazed adoringly at the life-size cardboard cut-out of Sebastian which he kept propped up against the wall as he Ho Ho Ho-ed gently. He loved Sebastian, despite the fact that Sebastian was the same man who had taken his own job from him, on that fateful day. Yes, everything had been taken from him that day - his employer, Master Vincent, his job, his happiness and even his lucky key-ring of a frog. He might as well be dead, but he kept on living, only for his beloved Sebastian.

"Mister Tanaka, it's time to get up," Sebastian called out, poking his head around the door. Tanaka blushed bright red, before replying

"Come in~ I've been keeping the bed warm for you~" Sebastian strode into the room, and sat down on the bed.

"Wow, you're right, this bed is warm!"

"Electric blankets are pretty handy, you know," Tanaka replied.

"I thought those hadn't been invented yet."

"Don't sweat the minor details, neither has half the stuff in this manga," Tanaka whispered seductively, wrapping his old withered arms around Sebastian's neck.

"I love it when you talk all dirty – hey, is that a cardboard cut-out of me over there?" Sebastian exclaimed.

"Kyaah! ~" Tanaka squealed. "I didn't want you to find out! Oh no! ~" Sebastian pulled the shaking Tanaka into his strong arms.

"You're so cute… don't worry, I love you so much."

"Hate to break up the party but where the fuck are my scones?" Ciel shouted, shoving the door open. The two lovers stared into the doorway where the angry boy stood in his pyjamas, his hair unbrushed.

"Ooh, bocchan, how lovely of you to join us? Care to join in?" Sebastian giggled suggestively.

"You bastard, how lecherous can you get? What the HELL, Sebastian?"

"Kyaah!~ Stop fighting over me, you two!" Tanaka squealed.

"What the hell, you perverted old geezer? No one's fighting over you!" Ciel roared.

"Bocchan, all due respects, but WATCH YOUR FUCKING TONGUE AROUND MY BOYFRIEND YOU SHITTY LITTLE BRAT!"

"Eeh? What's going on so early in the morning, huh?" the gardener, Finny, called out, stumbling into the doorway behind Ciel, rubbing his eyes. "Kyaah! Mister Sebastian, Mister Tanaka, what's going on?"

"Err, this is…" Sebastian tried to think of an excuse.

"Waah! Mister Tanaka, you said we could be together forever, you prick! What's your problem?" Finny squealed, crying like a spoilt toddler.

"Kyaah! ~" Tanaka repeated for the hundredth time. "Stop it you guys! ~" Finny beat Tanaka over the head with the life size cardboard cut-out of Sebastian.

"You piggy! I hate, hate, hate you!"

"Nooo!" Sebastian yelled "You're bending it, stop!" Finny put all of his super-strength into beating Tanaka over the head. "YOU ARE DISFIRGURING A WORK OF ART YOU SHITTY LITTLE BOY!" Sebastian roared.

"Fuck this," Ciel muttered, and left.

At the breakfast table, nothing happened because Ciel was a lonely little boy and ate alone, and of course the servants aren't allowed to eat with him. However, in the kitchen, the servants were all eating a four-course feast, while the shitty little boy ate his scones all alone. "So, err, Sebastian," Bard grunted, shovelling beef-steak into his mouth "This may seem like a stupid question, but why is Tanaka sitting on your lap?" Finny sat in the corner, a cloud of gloom hanging over him. "Life is like pudding… that fell on the floor, with a twisted rose glazed over it as the sacrificed lamb cries for its lost soul…" Finnie's eyeliner made him look like an insomniac… and a panda. He was dressed in black, and was writing poetry about death. Tanaka giggled, playing with Sebastian's hair, twirling it around his wrinkled fingers. "Oh, ho ho ho."

"This is… just too hot!" Maylene pressed her hands to her nose as blood drenched them.

"Look, Maylene, I know this must be hard for you. The truth is, I have always realised your affections for me, but I did not know how to face them."

"WHAT? Are you crazy? Sebastian, I was always using you as a stepping stone to get to Tanaka."

"WHAT? Tanaka, why must you be so devilishly attractive?"

"Kyaah! ~" Tanaka cried.

"Guys… you're leaving me out?" Bard simpered from across the table, pressing his thumb to his lip.

"Eh?" Sebastian and Maylene cried out.

"It's not fair! I've tried to be a maiden, and always follow three steps behind, not saying a word about my feelings and now you all go and confess like this and I get ignored! I'm just trying to be the perfect maiden here!"

"EXCUSE ME!" Ciel roared as he slammed the door open. "Just because I'm a total tsundere doesn't mean I can't love too! Tanaka, I've always loved you! And as my servant, you must obey me!

"YOU GUYS! ~" Tanaka cried and everyone went silent. They all looked towards Tanaka, eyes fixed on the beautiful man.

"Who's to say we can't have a six-way?


End file.
